This Place is a Prison - Embracing captivity.
A few years ago I worked at a large rock club in town. It was the sort of job that if I were 15 and knew when I was 23 I would be working at a rock club I probably wouldn't have believed it. But perhaps half way through the year that I worked there I started growing bitter towards the experience. I know now that I was quite ideal and naive at the time. I've come to learn a few things about the music/bar business that I would perhaps fair better now but at the time I felt quite empty about the situation. Especially the cocain that was so ever present. After one really bad week I confided in my roommate at the time about a particualr situation which left me very disappointed and very lost. I told him that I felt like I was doing a prison sentence and told him I just wanted my "break." He listened to me, but as he often does, didn't act as sympathetic as I would have hoped. I felt partly that he didn't really listen or care. However maybe a couple months later he called me up to his room to listen to a song he had wrote. The original version was changed slightly to fit within another project, but the general spirit is the same . . . the inspiration he took from some of my feelings. . . it goes like this:
~
This place is a prision
these people aren't your friends
inhaling thrills through $20 bills
and the tumblers are drained and then flooded again and again
there's guards at the on ramps
armed to the teeth
and you may case the grounds from the cascades to puget sound
but you are not permitted to leave
I know there's a big world out there like the one i saw on the screen
in my living room late last night it was almost too bright to see
i know it's not a party if it happens every night
pretending there's glamour and candleabre when you drinking by candle light
~
I realize now that part of this song is sort of eluding to a riduclous notion that there are not actually guards preventing me from going anywhere, but part of the captivity that I felt was in my head.
I've been thinking about this notion of captivity the past couple days. I listened to one of richard Dahlstroms sermons on my iPod yesterday. It was about Ester and at one point Richard mentioned being captive and embracing captivity. This started me thinking about the times I've felt captive, like as described above.
Then I start to realize how much captivity is all through the Bible. Paul was in prison, Daniel in the Lions Den, Shadrach and all his homies got thrown into a furnace. Jonah in the whale. Moses and his crew in the desert, for 40 years!!Jesus himself . . . Then I start to realize that most of the best stuff, the best work, the best stories come from being in captivity, being held prisoner.
There's a lot more to be explored on this subject . . . it raises such notions as being prisoners to the world, but free in Christ. to take pride in our low positions. I must now read to be able to properly reference all the 'captive' moments.
but perhaps this place IS a prison, no matter what I try to do, I will always be a prisoner. But the point is what I DO with this captivity. Perhaps I should make these people my friends, love them and take pride in my low position and use it as strength.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
She makes me feel like I'm 22 again.
The highway brings back memories. When I was 22 years old I got hired for my first tour. To drive Trembling Blue Stars. I ended up tour managing them. However the first task was to drive across the country by myself to pick them up in Atlanta. The landscape reminds me of distinct moments of that drive. It was one of the greatest experiences of my life, being 22, fresh out of college, never on tour, never having been further east then Nevada. To the left on I-15 between Boise and Salt Lake City, the mountains remind me of Red House Painters, the rocky mountains - John Denver, Kansas - John Vanderslice, Witchita - Grandaddy. There were moments of great despair and moments of great triumph on that trip.
Now I am 27 and seen these roads a few times here and there, from different vehicles, but they still haven't lost their charm. The mountains haven't failed to remind me to be in awe of God. They've always given me pause and made me think. Despite the often busy-ness of the road, there is a lot of time to listen. I've spent the last year plus playing music, DJing for people, but not really listening. Hearing singles and hits, but not whole records. It's a general impatience of needing a quick fix to keep the party going, needing a quick answer. But albums on the other hand ebb and flow and sometimes take a while to get to the hook . . .some of the best albums aren't full of hits, but of great songs that when put together create a story and a context.
You can't rush the road either. If there are a certain amount of miles between cities, there's not much you can do to make it go any faster. 60 miles takes an hour. you can try to drive faster, but that is just scary and gives propensity for tickets. so five miles over the speed limit is about all that you can get away with. So you have to be patient and just make due, Use the time too look, too listen to reflect.
If God was a musician he would make epic albums, perhaps not with hits but epic songs that may not make any sense when listened to as a single, but when put together makes on incredible piece of work.
All the while we think we're getting closer to our destination, He keeps moving that city further and further away, and then we realize that there is no actual destination, just the mountains right in front of us to give us pause.
Now I am 27 and seen these roads a few times here and there, from different vehicles, but they still haven't lost their charm. The mountains haven't failed to remind me to be in awe of God. They've always given me pause and made me think. Despite the often busy-ness of the road, there is a lot of time to listen. I've spent the last year plus playing music, DJing for people, but not really listening. Hearing singles and hits, but not whole records. It's a general impatience of needing a quick fix to keep the party going, needing a quick answer. But albums on the other hand ebb and flow and sometimes take a while to get to the hook . . .some of the best albums aren't full of hits, but of great songs that when put together create a story and a context.
You can't rush the road either. If there are a certain amount of miles between cities, there's not much you can do to make it go any faster. 60 miles takes an hour. you can try to drive faster, but that is just scary and gives propensity for tickets. so five miles over the speed limit is about all that you can get away with. So you have to be patient and just make due, Use the time too look, too listen to reflect.
If God was a musician he would make epic albums, perhaps not with hits but epic songs that may not make any sense when listened to as a single, but when put together makes on incredible piece of work.
All the while we think we're getting closer to our destination, He keeps moving that city further and further away, and then we realize that there is no actual destination, just the mountains right in front of us to give us pause.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Clean Jeans, rolled t-shirts.
Currently driving over the mountains. the road is bare, the trees are powdered. I'm finally over my anxiety of leaving for tour. The tax man got me good this year, which leads to a general feeling of despair, especially when I'm taking ten days off to drive to austin. But I'm with good people. I have my ipod loaded with new music, Neko Case, Jenny Lewis, a bunch of new things I haven't even listened to yet as well as some old road standards, Willie Nelson, John Denver, Richard Buckner, Nick Drake.
Aside from the anxiety of money woes, I'm not sure about my reason for going to Austin. Since my (almost) departure from the music industry, do i really want to put ona smile, shake a bunch of hands, run around and try to meet all the people I'm "supposed" to know?
One year ago I made this trip. ON the plane I wrote in my journal about the desire for real connections with people. At the time I had just made the decision to scale back my music involvement in order to make more room for real connection. One late night at the hotel with USE I told them about my decision, which they supported, however it didn't affect them a whole lot, i was still staying involved with them, in part because the needed me, in part because I need them to 'keep my feet wet' so to speak.
Noah and Jason are in the fornt seat, rocking out to Superdrag, while I am in the seat behind them, headphones on, letting Neko Case take us around every snow lined corner.
Last weekend I went to an artist retreat for Christians that are artists. It started a conversation and what will hopefully be the start of a supportive community. Charlie Peacock spoke, as did his wife Andi Ashworth. I bought their books, but only after having a conversation with Charlie during lunch. Here is a guy who has done exactly what I have desired to do. He and Andi started Art House in Nashville as a way to build community and encourage artists (musicians) to build a solid foundation in Christ that they can take with them through their artistic journey. During this conversation Charlie admitted to me that if he were to do it all over again, he would be more sensitive to the apparent needs. He spoke of how a lot of musicians wanted to talk to him to find out how he managed to make Switchfoot as big as they are, or how do they get on a good label, or how to they get a booking agent. he said that in the early days he was rigid in his approach by simply telling them they were asking the wrong question. he didn't explain exactly how he would do it differently, but just that he would somehow find a way to speak to those needs, or at least be more sensitive to them before moving on to the "right questions." This conversation resonated with me in a powerful way. here I was in a position to meet needs, and a need, as he said, is one of the most unmet need in the music industry. Yet I walked away out of frustration that my relationships were simply based on my ability to meet that "worldly" need. I wanted (and want) to meet spiritual needs. Somewhere there is probably a balance, a way to somehow meet both . . . but I'm not sure what that means or how that's done. . .
Aside from the anxiety of money woes, I'm not sure about my reason for going to Austin. Since my (almost) departure from the music industry, do i really want to put ona smile, shake a bunch of hands, run around and try to meet all the people I'm "supposed" to know?
One year ago I made this trip. ON the plane I wrote in my journal about the desire for real connections with people. At the time I had just made the decision to scale back my music involvement in order to make more room for real connection. One late night at the hotel with USE I told them about my decision, which they supported, however it didn't affect them a whole lot, i was still staying involved with them, in part because the needed me, in part because I need them to 'keep my feet wet' so to speak.
Noah and Jason are in the fornt seat, rocking out to Superdrag, while I am in the seat behind them, headphones on, letting Neko Case take us around every snow lined corner.
Last weekend I went to an artist retreat for Christians that are artists. It started a conversation and what will hopefully be the start of a supportive community. Charlie Peacock spoke, as did his wife Andi Ashworth. I bought their books, but only after having a conversation with Charlie during lunch. Here is a guy who has done exactly what I have desired to do. He and Andi started Art House in Nashville as a way to build community and encourage artists (musicians) to build a solid foundation in Christ that they can take with them through their artistic journey. During this conversation Charlie admitted to me that if he were to do it all over again, he would be more sensitive to the apparent needs. He spoke of how a lot of musicians wanted to talk to him to find out how he managed to make Switchfoot as big as they are, or how do they get on a good label, or how to they get a booking agent. he said that in the early days he was rigid in his approach by simply telling them they were asking the wrong question. he didn't explain exactly how he would do it differently, but just that he would somehow find a way to speak to those needs, or at least be more sensitive to them before moving on to the "right questions." This conversation resonated with me in a powerful way. here I was in a position to meet needs, and a need, as he said, is one of the most unmet need in the music industry. Yet I walked away out of frustration that my relationships were simply based on my ability to meet that "worldly" need. I wanted (and want) to meet spiritual needs. Somewhere there is probably a balance, a way to somehow meet both . . . but I'm not sure what that means or how that's done. . .
Monday, February 27, 2006
Claudine
Last week I turned 27. Although there's probably a lot to write about turning 27, that's not the point of this particular post, but yet turning 27 just led to a recent musical discovery that I am quite pleased with. In the coarse of turning 27 I had a party. During this party we played some old swanky Peter Sellers movies such as What's New Pussycat as well as The Pink Panther and and of course " The Party ." Well on Sunday I actually really watched The Party and during a scene was mesmorized by this French singer/actress in the film. Of course using the trusty ole interweb, I found this darling to be Claudine Longet. Further research led me to her fascinating story .
Well after reading, hearing and seeing I had to find some material, in particular the one song she plays in The Party. I went straight to Bop Street, aka my favorite store perhaps in the whole wide world because you can find just about anything on vinyl, and found her first four records and bought all four. I am in complete awe. I sat all day at home, as Claudine took me and Cash into another world, the sweet french accent she has makes any song she sings just about the cutest thing ever. And apparently because of all the controversy, she's not all that easy to find in record stores, but I am now on a mission to own every single album. I couldn't find the song she sang in the movie, written by Henry Mancini, apparently it is only on the soundtrack to the movie and I'm pretty sure only on the CD version. I will find that song however, entitled Nothing to Lose. Or if anyone ever sees a vinyl version of this song, by all means, buy it for me.
Friday, January 27, 2006
so far, not so good . . .
so we're approaching the end of january and so far this whole thing about writing more isn't working too well.. I'm consoling myself with the fact that maybe I didn't tell very many people and therefore not too many people will be regularly checking this thing to call me out on it. . . however, if you're reading this you're probably proving me wrong, so go ahead and call me out on it. . .
so a few things have been on my mind, and a few more things have been exciting. I don't know how much i want to go into it right now, but I wanted to write something, so here goes.
Issue #1: Oprah vs James Frey
I am totally and wholly fascinated by this story, on many levels. There's the initial levels and thoughts using my experience with Artists that as an artist he has a certain liscense to change embellish things to make for a good story, he sure as hell is not the first to do so. And yet Oprah and her audience are shocked and taking such a holier-than-thou perspective on the fact that, yes, this guy maybe made some stuff up to get each of their $15. The bottom line remains though is that he wrote a good story, he must be a good author (i have not yet read the book but brooke kept telling me I needed to before all this scandel came to light). And then there is the questioin of the publisher not checking facts . . . c'mon, this guy wrote a story, why shouldn't they believe it. Oprah seemed to want to demonize everybody else so as to limit the embarassment herself.
I was telling my friend josh about this story and about Oprah ripping him apart on the air and he mentioned how when we put idols up and they fall, afterwards we tear them apart. interesting . . . but I can't seem to not slightly smile when Oprah says she's been 'duped,' and so were all her followers . . . all of those followers . . . duped.
Issue #2: Ken Hutchenson.
Here is a guy that, growing up on the eastside I respected quite a bit. He seemed to do things his own way which in my anit-establishment state I always appreciated. But now we've lost another good soldier to the establishment of James Dobson and right wing christian (with a lower case 'c') fanaticism. I will limit my rant to two points: 1) Ken is being prideful, he is relishing in the power that the media has given him which is a far worse sin than being gay. 2) You cannot legislate morality. It's that simple.
Issue #3: artist collective
I'm really excited about movements ina direction in this town to bring people together and encourage each other on issues of faith and art. there will be more on this later, but I've been thinking a lot about it and getting pretty excited, i think it'll be something significant.
that's all, i'm not dead, just thinking . . . a LOT!
Kristoffer
so a few things have been on my mind, and a few more things have been exciting. I don't know how much i want to go into it right now, but I wanted to write something, so here goes.
Issue #1: Oprah vs James Frey
I am totally and wholly fascinated by this story, on many levels. There's the initial levels and thoughts using my experience with Artists that as an artist he has a certain liscense to change embellish things to make for a good story, he sure as hell is not the first to do so. And yet Oprah and her audience are shocked and taking such a holier-than-thou perspective on the fact that, yes, this guy maybe made some stuff up to get each of their $15. The bottom line remains though is that he wrote a good story, he must be a good author (i have not yet read the book but brooke kept telling me I needed to before all this scandel came to light). And then there is the questioin of the publisher not checking facts . . . c'mon, this guy wrote a story, why shouldn't they believe it. Oprah seemed to want to demonize everybody else so as to limit the embarassment herself.
I was telling my friend josh about this story and about Oprah ripping him apart on the air and he mentioned how when we put idols up and they fall, afterwards we tear them apart. interesting . . . but I can't seem to not slightly smile when Oprah says she's been 'duped,' and so were all her followers . . . all of those followers . . . duped.
Issue #2: Ken Hutchenson.
Here is a guy that, growing up on the eastside I respected quite a bit. He seemed to do things his own way which in my anit-establishment state I always appreciated. But now we've lost another good soldier to the establishment of James Dobson and right wing christian (with a lower case 'c') fanaticism. I will limit my rant to two points: 1) Ken is being prideful, he is relishing in the power that the media has given him which is a far worse sin than being gay. 2) You cannot legislate morality. It's that simple.
Issue #3: artist collective
I'm really excited about movements ina direction in this town to bring people together and encourage each other on issues of faith and art. there will be more on this later, but I've been thinking a lot about it and getting pretty excited, i think it'll be something significant.
that's all, i'm not dead, just thinking . . . a LOT!
Kristoffer
Monday, January 02, 2006
What a year for a new year
I've been thinking about resolutions. When I would ask customers at the coffee shop if they had any, almost all responded by saying "oh no, I've given up making any." I think frozen by the possibility by failure we do not make resolutions any more. My beat up Webster defines resolution as "1, the act or result of resolving something. 2. the thing determined upon; decision as to future action 3. a reolute quality of mind. 4. a formal statement of opinion or determination by an assembly."
I can't help but link 'resolution' with 'resolve' (a word that now could by included in the many 'bushisms,' but regardless an important word to pick apart). resolve is defined as "1. to break up into seperate parts; analyze. 2. to reach as a decision; determine. 3. to solve (a problem) 4. to decide by vote."
The root of both these words is "solu" which means to loosen. How is making a resolution or resolving something loosening? I would think that in some way, when we make resolutions it is perhaps to be more disciplined. "I'm going to quit smoking. I'm going to work out more. I'm going to make a budget." Wouldn't it be tightening up behaviors that have had only loose dominion in our lives? When I think of the word "loosen" immediately i think of an image of sand. For some reason sand i see as loose, free flowing, not attached to anything. Yet it's movement is dictaed not by it's own accord but to the current, the natural flow of the earth, the water. Sand is free yet it's movements are not it's own.
But yet resloution and discipline seem to go together. Of course Discipline and Disciple also share the same root. To be a disciple is to obey Christ.
I am always moved by John 15, when Jesus teaches about the vine and the branches.
"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word i have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."
This excerpt is taken from this website: http://www.mastergardenproducts.com/gardenerscorner/a_guide_to_pruning.htm
"What is Pruning?
Pruning is a regular part of plant maintenance involving the selective removal of specific plant parts. Although shoots and branches are the main targets for removal, roots, flower buds, fruits and seed pods may also be pruned.
Pruning wounds plants, but plants respond differently to wounding than do animals. In plants, damaged areas are covered by callus tissue to close wounds. Simply put: animal wounds heal, plant wounds seal.
Another response to pruning occurs inside plants. around wounded areas, walling off or compartmentalizing the wounds. Compartmentalization limits any decay that results from wounding, or from the natural death of branches. Use pruning techniques that minimize plant wounding and speed wound closure.
Current pruning recommendations advise against pruning branches flush to the trunk. Flush cutting is harmful in several ways: it damages bark as pruning tools rub against the trunk, it removes the branch collar , and goes behind the branch bark ridge."
Perhaps by making resloutions to be more disciplined we should have these resolutions be a way of allowing God to prune certain things that have control over our lives, perhaps by giving up certain things so that God can heal them and create new life. By allowing God to loosen dead branches we can then be disciplined by allowing new growth to occur. OR going back to the example of sand, sand comes from giant rocks, parts of huge boulders that gradually the sea erodes away. But only until the sand is free from it's former 'home.' can the sea move it to a totally different place. But the sand must 'resolve' to detach, let go of the rock to which it is clinging.
There are many branches that need pruning in my life. Thoughts grow in my mind yet I have a tendancy to not follow them through, as God wants to take me to a deeper understanding i usually give up, go to sleep, turn on the TV, listen to music. So my resolution is this, to be disciplined about writing, reading, thinking, praying. Hence the creation of this blog. I'm not sure if any will read it, but i guess it doesn't really matter. It is about being disciplined and allowing God to loosen these thoughts, to allow him to prune branches that i may not know are not allowing me to grow. By pruning God will wound me and it will hurt, this is what the true calling to the Cristian life, to let God wound us and heal us and therefore creating a further depedence on Him.
I can't help but link 'resolution' with 'resolve' (a word that now could by included in the many 'bushisms,' but regardless an important word to pick apart). resolve is defined as "1. to break up into seperate parts; analyze. 2. to reach as a decision; determine. 3. to solve (a problem) 4. to decide by vote."
The root of both these words is "solu" which means to loosen. How is making a resolution or resolving something loosening? I would think that in some way, when we make resolutions it is perhaps to be more disciplined. "I'm going to quit smoking. I'm going to work out more. I'm going to make a budget." Wouldn't it be tightening up behaviors that have had only loose dominion in our lives? When I think of the word "loosen" immediately i think of an image of sand. For some reason sand i see as loose, free flowing, not attached to anything. Yet it's movement is dictaed not by it's own accord but to the current, the natural flow of the earth, the water. Sand is free yet it's movements are not it's own.
But yet resloution and discipline seem to go together. Of course Discipline and Disciple also share the same root. To be a disciple is to obey Christ.
I am always moved by John 15, when Jesus teaches about the vine and the branches.
"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word i have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."
This excerpt is taken from this website: http://www.mastergardenproducts.com/gardenerscorner/a_guide_to_pruning.htm
"What is Pruning?
Pruning is a regular part of plant maintenance involving the selective removal of specific plant parts. Although shoots and branches are the main targets for removal, roots, flower buds, fruits and seed pods may also be pruned.
Pruning wounds plants, but plants respond differently to wounding than do animals. In plants, damaged areas are covered by callus tissue to close wounds. Simply put: animal wounds heal, plant wounds seal.
Another response to pruning occurs inside plants. around wounded areas, walling off or compartmentalizing the wounds. Compartmentalization limits any decay that results from wounding, or from the natural death of branches. Use pruning techniques that minimize plant wounding and speed wound closure.
Current pruning recommendations advise against pruning branches flush to the trunk. Flush cutting is harmful in several ways: it damages bark as pruning tools rub against the trunk, it removes the branch collar , and goes behind the branch bark ridge."
Perhaps by making resloutions to be more disciplined we should have these resolutions be a way of allowing God to prune certain things that have control over our lives, perhaps by giving up certain things so that God can heal them and create new life. By allowing God to loosen dead branches we can then be disciplined by allowing new growth to occur. OR going back to the example of sand, sand comes from giant rocks, parts of huge boulders that gradually the sea erodes away. But only until the sand is free from it's former 'home.' can the sea move it to a totally different place. But the sand must 'resolve' to detach, let go of the rock to which it is clinging.
There are many branches that need pruning in my life. Thoughts grow in my mind yet I have a tendancy to not follow them through, as God wants to take me to a deeper understanding i usually give up, go to sleep, turn on the TV, listen to music. So my resolution is this, to be disciplined about writing, reading, thinking, praying. Hence the creation of this blog. I'm not sure if any will read it, but i guess it doesn't really matter. It is about being disciplined and allowing God to loosen these thoughts, to allow him to prune branches that i may not know are not allowing me to grow. By pruning God will wound me and it will hurt, this is what the true calling to the Cristian life, to let God wound us and heal us and therefore creating a further depedence on Him.
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